koolaidman-ohno

PHOENIX, AZ- Phoenix police are searching for the popular television pitchman Kool Aid Man on suspicion of multiple counts of destruction of property and criminal trespassing.  Phoenix resident Paul Hackett recalls one such incident: “It was a hot summer day and my family and I were relaxing in our backyard by the pool.  My kids started to complain about the heat and how they were thirsty, next thing I knew there’s this earth-shattering crash and this giant juice pitcher, holding a tray of Kool Aid busts through my cinder block wall screaming- Oh, Yeah!”

Police wish to question Kool Aid Man regarding a number of other related disturbances including damage to a local roller skating rink and a little league ball park.  Rinky Dink’s Rollerskating Rink owner Dan Dinkman had this to say: “ What really stinks is the kids think this is the greatest thing in the world.  He burst in and it’s like, Alright! Kool Aid Man! Free Kool Aid for everyone! I mean I’m sure the guy means well but what is a 25 cent pitcher of cherry Kool Aid compared to what it’s gonna cost me to fix this hole in my building?” So far officers have not commented on how the Kool Aid Manhunt is progressing other than that the search is ongoing and they are following up on all leads.

This is not Kool Aid Man’s first run in with the law.  In 1978 he was a suspect in the Jonestown mass murder-suicide which left 917 people dead of cyanide poisoning.  He was later acquitted of all charges.

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