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snaperniepopBATTLE CREEK, MI- Fans of the original Snap Crackle Pop have been a buzz as rumors of a possible reunion fly. The group’s publicist confirmed yesterday that band is in fact returning to the studio to record their first album of new material in over seven years however, this time around the line-up will be slightly different. The groups’ front man Crackle, who left the band in 2002 citing creative differences will be replaced by none other than longtime solo sensation, Ernie Keebler of Keebler Elves fame.
“Snap and I are confident that Ernie will bring an energy to the band unlike anything fans have seen before.” Pop said in an impromptu press conference, earlier today. “We want to assure everyone that this is the same band you know and love, only better! Ernie has some big pointed shoes to fill, but with him taking the rains we are able to put an end to shenanigans and sibling rivalry and concentrate on making really kick-a$$ music” added Snap.
The as yet to be named super group plans to promote their new album with a world-wide tour set to kick off next spring. Not to be out done, Crackle is said to be putting the finishing touches on his long awaited solo debut.

elsieandelmerCOLUMBUS, OH- Borden Dairy Products’ founder Elsie The Cow and Elmer’s Glue president Elmer The Bull have confirmed they will be ending their fifty year marriage. Divorce papers filed last week stated irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. Co-workers and those closest to the couple were surprised not at the news of the separation, but that the marriage went on as long as it did. “Things went pretty well in the beginning, but after about five of six years things started to go sour. Elsie was relentless she would milk every argument for all it was worth.” said former Borden plant manager William Bunyan. “They couldn’t communicate. Elmer would come home from work and just plop down on the couch glued to the TV,” said family friend Connie McCullough.

The couple who met at The New York World’s Fair in 1955 became an item shortly after the dairy giant’s chemical division acquired the struggling adhesive company. The Bordens admitted that their bond was superficial at best. “The marketing division thought it would be great for the company’s image and so we went along with it. Before we knew it we were trapped in a very sticky situation” Elmer confessed.

“If there was any good that came out of all this it was our four wonderful children” Elsie added. The Borden children: Beulan, Beauregard , Larabee and Lobelia currently run the family business. The Elder Borden had this to offer: “Mom and Dad always had their issues. That’s just the way it was. If they can live out their remaining days apart and happy then I’m ok with that. What’s done is done. It’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

    sugar bearDETROIT, MI- Tune into 97.8 WBAR weekday evenings and you’re sure to hear an old familiar voice; Sugar Bear, the face behind Post Super Sugar Crisp (later Super Golden Crisp) Cereal is now the voice of WBAR’s The Quiet Storm.

    Sugar Bear, whose image still graces the boxes of the popular Post cereal started moonlighting as the smooth talking jock after his television commercial appearances started to dry up in the late 80s. When asked if he had any hard feelings about Post’s decision to stop marketing the brand on television, Sugar Bear had this to say: “ Hey man, it’s cool, ya know, I still see some of those cats on TV, Lucky (the Leprechaun), Tony (the Tiger). (Toucan) Sam, they’re still doin’ their thing. I ain’t mad at them, but I really dig this gig here. Talkin’ up records just seems like a natural fit for me, ya know.”

    Currently Post has no plans to bring back the once popular commercials. “ You see man, the company got a little freaked out when the public started to become aware of just how much sugar was in the stuff. They tried to change the name from ‘Sugar’ to ‘Golden’ but come on, you change the name on the bucket to KFC, don’t mean it ain’t Kentucky fried.” Sugar Bear said. “ But, what are they gonna do? Kids love this stuff. Their gonna buy it even if it ain’t advertised on TV. I guess it was a no brainier for Post. Kellogg’s did the same thing. They changed Sugar Smacks to Honey Smacks and that poor frog ain’t doin’ jack now. So I feel pretty fortunate, really” said Sugar Bear.

    Even though his mellow voice is no longer heard pitching Super Golden Crisps, Sugar bear’s famous catch phrases have found a new audience “Can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp, it’s got the crunch with the punch. Speaking of punch next up on The Quiet Storm: Teddy Pendergrass with Love TKO “

 

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PHOENIX, AZ- Phoenix police are searching for the popular television pitchman Kool Aid Man on suspicion of multiple counts of destruction of property and criminal trespassing.  Phoenix resident Paul Hackett recalls one such incident: “It was a hot summer day and my family and I were relaxing in our backyard by the pool.  My kids started to complain about the heat and how they were thirsty, next thing I knew there’s this earth-shattering crash and this giant juice pitcher, holding a tray of Kool Aid busts through my cinder block wall screaming- Oh, Yeah!”

Police wish to question Kool Aid Man regarding a number of other related disturbances including damage to a local roller skating rink and a little league ball park.  Rinky Dink’s Rollerskating Rink owner Dan Dinkman had this to say: “ What really stinks is the kids think this is the greatest thing in the world.  He burst in and it’s like, Alright! Kool Aid Man! Free Kool Aid for everyone! I mean I’m sure the guy means well but what is a 25 cent pitcher of cherry Kool Aid compared to what it’s gonna cost me to fix this hole in my building?” So far officers have not commented on how the Kool Aid Manhunt is progressing other than that the search is ongoing and they are following up on all leads.

This is not Kool Aid Man’s first run in with the law.  In 1978 he was a suspect in the Jonestown mass murder-suicide which left 917 people dead of cyanide poisoning.  He was later acquitted of all charges.

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KNOXVILLE, TN- Theodore Bromley Jr., a 28 year old service station attendant and amateur extreme sports enthusiast suffered minor injures Monday when he was struck in the shoulder by a shotgun blast. Retired Mountain Dew spokesperson Willy “Gran’ Pappy” Hillbilly, 73 fired the shots after allegedly seeing Bromley exiting his barn with a case of the heavily caffeinated soft drink. “That feller’s lucky I didn’t blow his dang head clear off” said cantankerous curmudgeon. Pappy, states he still has a fondness for tangy citrus flavored soda despite being dropped as Mountain Dew’s spokesmen several years ago after the company opted to go in a new more athletic direction. “These young whipper-snappers with their shiny bicycles and newfangled snow ridin’ contraptions gettin’ vertical an’ doin’ whirlybirds ‘n such. I reckon they think they’re pretty extreme. Well we’ll see just how extreme they are after I fill their britches full of buck shot.” Pappy went on to say.

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